In The Word

I have a copy of AW Tozer’s “The Pursuit of God” on my nightstand, and the other night I ran across this:

The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort. He develops toward him self a kindly sense of humor and learns to say, “Oh, so you have been overlooked? They have placed someone else before -you? They have whispered that you are pretty small stuff after all? And now you feel hurt because the world is saying about you the very things you have been saying about yourself? Only yesterday you were telling God that you were nothing, a mere worm of the dust. Where is your consistency? Come on, humble yourself, and cease to care what men think.”

The meek man is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson; but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He has accepted God’s estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is in the sight of God of more importance than angels. In, himself… nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto.

- AW Tozer
The Pursuit of God

For the last couple weeks our Church has been collecting pictures of fathers and their kids in order to present a Father’s Day slide show during service. So last night my wife told me she felt bad because she forgot to send in a picture of me and the girls. . . and I told her that it hurt my feelings.

And there you have it folks, in a brief exchange I managed not only to display the depths of my own pride and my disobedience to The Lord, but I also managed to twist the knife in an open wound of my beloved wife.

Deconstructing the crime scene. . .What was really going on
So almost immediately after I said this I began to realize what I had done, and the above quote by Tozer began to echo in my mind. I started to think about why it “hurt my feelings” and realized that it wasn’t my feelings at all. It was my pride. I wanted the church to see what a good father I am in full color on the big screen. Really. I think that’s what is at the root of it. I wanted the gratification of seeing myself up on the screen and having everyone thinking (including myself) “awww what a good Dad, what a good husband!”. And at what cost? Did I not realize that telling my wife that she hurt my feelings would make her feel even worse than she already did? I did, but at the moment the satisfaction of my pride was, apparently more important than loving my wife. This realization seeped in almost immediately after my mouth closed. . .much like the slow sharp radiation of pain sets in after being kicked in the groin.

What now?

So now that the deed was done and I had been convicted in my error, what was I to do?

1. Repent to my wife
   So here is the hard part. Not only admitting my selfishness, but trying to convince her that I mean it. I told her that I was wrong and prideful and that I was grateful to have a wife that loves me as much as she. But despite my efforts she was hurt and didn’t sleep well. She forgave me but the wound I had inflicted on her was still bleeding. Sometimes we can’t just take things back. The things we say have consequences and once they have been said, that’s it.
2. Repent before the Lord
   I thanked the Lord for bringing my sin to my eyes as quickly as He did. I am so grateful that He steps in when I mess up. If not for his grace I may well still be stewing about how I “don’t get no respect”.
3. Ask the Lord to change me
   As a father and the head of my family it’s my job to play the role of Christ to my wife. If I’m not doing this I am polluting the design of marriage as God intended. And playing the role of Christ to my wife involves serving her and loving her unconditionally. Period. Christ loved us to the point of sacrificing himself on the cross and we didn’t deserve it. Not one of us. My wife deserves my love. I must make it my goal to be overflowing with love toward my wife even beyond what she deserves. To love as Christ loved. When I’m not seeing the world through the lens of the Gospel the world begins to revolve around me. I asked the Lord to change my heart and make me more like Him, to help me to always see the world in light of the Gospel.
4. Try again
   The fight against sin is a long grueling and difficult road but it’s these times that help me clarify the effects of sin on my family and me. The Lord shows us (as much as we can understand) how repulsive and disgusting sin is. I’ll fail again and my pride will win and my tongue will cut, but The Lord will convict me and I’ll repent again and again and again. And slowly but surely by His grace I will more clearly bear His image.

I’m blessed with a wife who is very forgiving of my shortcomings. She is quick to forgive and she doesn’t hold a grudge. Without the grace of God I’d be a very wicked and selfish man. And through my lovely wife He is continually challenging, convicting and molding me to become more like Him.
Thank you Abba.

Happy Father’s Day.